Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man goes through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, flicks it on, saying, "It represents a candle." "You may pass through the pearly gates," says St Peter. The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "They're bells." St Peter lets him pass. The third man looks desperate and finally pulls a G-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks quizzical and asks, "Just how do those symbolise Christmas?" The man replies, "They're Carols."

There was a policeman on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The policeman looked at the bike and while handing the boy a £20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the policeman, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there Sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the policeman. The little boy looked up at the policeman and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put The dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''